:: just being honest ::

I've written often about my need to focus on the things I'm thankful for, especially when it's very easy to see all that isn't going so well. Growing a thankful heart is such a good thing for me because the opposite can lead to a very self-centred, ungrateful heart that compares and always comes up short. Lately, as in the last several months, has been quite challenging. I'm a perfectionist with little grace for myself and my perceived failings, so I can easily crash into an over-tired and over-whelmed heap of tears when all that is needed is a good sleep, some wise input and open eyes to realise that actually there is always so much going on around me, big and small that is worthy of notice and gratitude.

Our little man is going through a phase of sobbing every single night we put him to bed. Going in at regular intervals to reassure him and sometimes pick him up for cuddles work temporarily, until we leave his room and his tears return in full force. It can take a couple of hours before he's peacefully asleep for the night. I know he needs to learn to go to sleep in his bed, and he does, but it's hard work on my heart and my sanity! At the same time our girls seem to alternate in waking up in the middle of the night, either crying because it's dark or turning up in our beds. They're also transitioning out of day naps, so are either very tired by dinner time, or have had a sleep after lunch and won't sleep until late in the evening. Needless to say it's a pretty tiring phase to live through at the moment. A phase...I have to remind myself of that. Something that will pass!

The future is also unsettling me somewhat knowing that there is a big dream right around the corner that we would love to see fulfilled, but we have no idea how or if that will happen and it will involve some pretty big (sometimes overwhelmingly scary) sacrifices. And, at the same time, I'm asked regularly if the girls are going to kindy yet, which is a very normal question to ask a mum of almost-four-year-olds, but is another thing that is requiring a huge step of trust on my part. I think the realisation hit me just yesterday that it's me who is avoiding this decision because, if I'm really honest, I don't want to let go right yet. These are the two precious lives that I have nurtured and protected right from the moment I saw those two tiny spots on the ultrasound screen. I have fought for them (in my prayers!), and lived through so many terrifying moments of thinking we would lose them, then the subsequent months of them being so tiny and fragile, trying my best to keep them away from sicknesses that normal babies could cope with. These two little girls are now reaching the age where I need to let go a little and allow them to begin to fly on their own. Of course it will only involve a few hours a couple of days a week, at first, but all-too-soon I know those hours will multiply. We're not sure about their schooling yet, but for now it will be good for them and for me to be involved in other activities and getting to know other children and families. It's scary, but I trust it will be good, and, if I'm honest, I know at least one of us is more than ready for this!

So, while I try to hand these worries over to the One who can hold them safely, removing the fear and burdens from my mama's heart, I work on giving myself some grace for being a mummy who simply wants to love well and do a good job raising her three precious little people, even if she's often a bit tough on herself.

If you choose to seek perfection, may it be in an infallible grace—for yourself, and for everyone around you.

These beautiful words struck a chord with me when I came across them recently and stood me back on my feet, reminding me that as a mother I'm inextricably linked to those closest to me - my husband and the beloved papa of our children, and then these little lives that have been entrusted to us. Because, if I don't accept it, everyone around me suffers. Grace for us all...how refreshing!

And it always helps my soul to choose to look and find the countless things to give thanks for. To stop the comparing, the complaining, the negativity and impatience and to really live in the moment of appreciating the sweet act of service from a child, or the early morning sun filtering through the beautiful lilies growing wild in the grass, or the latest funny phrase that pops out of the mouth of a child whose mind is constantly taking in what she hears and experiences. To realise that I'm really not alone, but living with the most adoring and entertaining company within a world that does hold so much suffering, pain and loneliness, but also (thankfully) equal measures of beauty and love.

There is really so much that we've been enjoying and thankful for here lately, including the visit from some very precious friends with whom we shared an apartment when we were living close to the hospital while our babies were in Neonatal. But that post and others will have to come another day, as I look at the time and hear my husband's very wise but loving voice in my mind reminding me that sleep is vital!

May you all have a weekend in which you realise that you are not alone with your struggles and fears, that you are noticed and valued and that you can see much to be thankful for around you. May grace, peace and joy be with you.