Friday, 13 September 2013

:: some days are just like this ::

For all the fun, sunny, adventurous days that we have, there are always a handful of days where my perspective is low and I struggle with self doubts about my parenting or friend-worthy ability and the uncertainty of our future. Bear in mind that I write this feeling very tired from getting up during the night for the last several weeks, and trying to be a kind mummy (often failing on the 'kind' part!) to two energetic (toilet-training, might I add!) three year olds and a little 5 week old who is going through an unsettled patch. As well as trying to be a supportive wife to my lovely hubby who is pretty discouraged about his work...and realising time is slipping past us and we will need to be moving out of here in a few where!?

Sometimes I sit here on the couch and feel quite overwhelmed about it all and tears run down my face and I'm paralysed by all the options, needs, failings and disorganisation in any given moment. Needing to put it all in perspective - I'm tired, I'm doing what I can (I can't expect everything to be perfect and organised right now, as much as I'd like that!), and God holds the rest, all of our days and needs, in His very capable and generous hands. Auckland rental prices may look depressingly high for what they provide, and easily take half of our weekly pay, but as He provided this sweet little home with its stunning views, I have to trust something else will come up in the right timing.

my mum, a.k.a. Superma lives up to her name and has taught me so much!
And, speaking of expecting more perfection in our home, I read this beautiful piece written by Ann Voskamp that redirected my priorities and reminded me of what's important right now. She has just waved her son off to University and speaks of all the moments she wished she'd lived more deeply and richly within as he was growing up - to smile, to leave the sink full of dirty dishes from time to time and read together, laugh together, enjoy the moments. Because life as a mum of small children growing through to independent young adults is all too fleeting, even if some days are long and frustrating and tempers fray, poo misses the potties, "no" or "I want" are heard many more times than the politeness or behaviour we're trying to foster. I read her words with gratefulness that we're still in our early days of parenting, so we can take her advice and live richly within our daily moments with our children, instead of saying "Not now...I'm busy..." all too often.

We have do plenty of those beautiful moments, too, if I'm honest. I love to sit here while feeding our little man and watch the girls play, smiling at their wide imaginations and all the scenarios they create together. I love to ask questions about where they're off to or their thoughts on something - their eyes sparkle as they recount to me what they're off to do and who they're going to see ("A holiday in the city" "A meeting with the milo-milk man" "to the 'hostible' to have a baby"...) Yesterday I tried these six words from this mamma who has so much wisdom and self-discipline to share, and the result was shy but proud smiles. Priceless. For all the moments that I feel guilty that none of our three little ones can have my (almost) undivided attention, or a well-rested mummy right now, there are more in which I marvel at their ability to adjust to the changes largely unphased and complain rarely that we are hardly venturing beyond the limits of our property these days. They just get on with playing or cooing up at the bugs dancing above on the mobile :o)

So, this is all a lesson in being kinder to myself, not expecting so much all at once and trying to focus on what is more meaningful in life. Like the precious company we enjoy together when our eyes are away from all screens (too much of that right now), and the joy it brings to our girls when I'm available to them as much as I can be, reading endless piles of books instead of standing at the sink keeping up with all the dishes or saying countless "Wait a minute!"s (still a work in process!). My priorities are adjusting and catching up, as well as my ability to be a well-organised mummy to three of the greatest little people in the world.

And, you know, apart from the fact that this gives you a glimpse of our real life (photos don't give an honest picture!)...writing this has given me perspective. The tears have dried away and I'm seeing more clearly...

A few hours after writing this, Ashley, who writes one of my favourite blogs, recounted a day with similar feelings/frustrations to my own. Obviously different situations, but the same reactions and realisation that much of her reactions (like mine) were because of her tiredness. It can be so easy to read a blog like hers, or so many others, and marvel at the beauty of their homes and lifestyles, and find it difficult to imagine their days also hold the same frustrations as my own. But they do...because motherhood is one of the toughest but most rewarding things we can do with our lives.