:: catching up and looking forward ::

I have finally ticked off a job that has been on my 'To do' list for what feels like a very long time: making Eléa's First Year photo book. I made one for each of our older three for their first birthdays. We celebrated Eléa's second birthday a month ago and still no book! I was worried that the details of her first days, weeks and months had faded from my memory, so I came here to my neglected blog to glean any important parts of the memoires I wrote during that time. After completing the book (yay!!) I came back to this space to reminisce through the photos and experiences recorded over the past 5 years since moving over from my previous space at Lily & Amie. As I clicked from post to post and read through some of my words, from the houses and countries we have called home, I realised how far we have come, but how pertinent some of those words still are to our current thoughts and feelings.

I can't really catch up on the last 16 months of absence from this space, without it being forever long! But I will post some photos from the last couple of months and catch you up on recent news from our little team of six.

Eléa continues to go from strength to strength - literally. We started a Neuro-Developmental Therapy Programme with her late last year. Before and after this starting point she was in and out of hospital with UTIs that would only respond to one antibiotic that is generally given through IV every 24 hours with up to 5 doses. Kidney stones had been a surprise card that were discovered during a routine ultrasound after the first couple of UTIs. Just before Christmas the biggest stone was removed in surgery. So needless to say, the therapy sessions were stop and go for the first few months. In March, following an article in our local paper, a wonderful team of seven people volunteered to come and help do her therapy sessions each weekday (one or two people per day) and since that time her progress has been amazing. She is now able to pull herself forwards on her therapy slide that has only a slight incline. Whenever she spots my mobile phone on the floor, she does her best to get to it! 

What has been such an encouragement to me, asides from the wonderful progress that Eléa is making, is getting to know the people who come each day. They come with a variety of ages and fascinating experiences, and their enthusiasm has been such a wonderful gift! We all have a common love for Eléa and a hope of seeing her progress beyond her limitations of weak muscles to be able to reach the milestones that we all meet as babies and young children if we are not held back by a disability. Eléa has inspiring determination, learns quickly and we love her sense of humour as she fist bumps everyone she comes across, bringing cool back into the doctors' offices ;o)

Within four days in the beginning of May our three girls all celebrated their birthdays. Our little one turned two, and our big girls turned seven! They are all miracles - it's overwhelming to consider how much each of them have come through. We are so proud of each of our beauties.

Amélie and Elise are thriving in school, with great friends and teachers. I couldn't be more happy with the wonderful staff at their school. They are in separate classes this year which has been a great choice for them with their different personalities and abilities, and they are doing so well with their learning. They are into all cute animals and, like most little girls around the world, love unicorns. I have lost count on how many whole series of books we have read through together, and it is exciting to see them realise that they are able to start reading some of them on their own. Their imaginations and creativity know no bounds - I always love to listen in on their games and conversations :o)

Our favourite little guy didn't quite understand why all of his sisters were being given presents during that first week of May, and he wasn't! The concept of having different birth-dates is still a little beyond him, but we look forward to that special day in August when he gets his turn. In the meantime he's become a big kindy boy and is quietly loving the variety of amazing activities and experiences he gets there. The other morning as we walked in the gate two little boys swinging over in the corner of the yard yelled out "Hi Théo!!" and my heart was thrilled for him. He has reportedly learned to sit still at mat-time now, and loves to chat away to his teachers. A small grommets operation a couple of months ago seem to have made a big difference to his hearing, and his speech is really improving. What a sweet, thoughtful, fearless little man he is. 

We've been enjoying time with our wider family lately. I think Eléa was quietly thrilled to be able to hold her own and sit and play with her little cousin. And the older three love to play with his older sister. 

We have three little nephews who are quickly gaining in on Eléa in size. Two of them were with us a couple of weeks ago, and we really look forward to seeing everyone together when all 10 will be here for Christmas!

We've had some adventures over the last few weeks, from spending a perfect-weather day on the island of Waiheke for Eti's birthday...

...to climbing the Mount to catch the sunrise with my sister...

...and capturing the beauty of our local area from above. I may be biased, but I really do believe we live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world, and am regularly in awe of the beauty. We are more motivated to make the most of this scenery because...

...we recently made the final decision that early next year we will move back to Switzerland. We knew that we wouldn't stay in this area long-term, so began the decision process of whether we would move elsewhere in New Zealand or back to Switzerland, knowing that if we chose the latter the timing would be important in relation to the ages of our little people with school, and Eléa's stability. I know hearing this news makes some people sad, and some happy. I have heard comments from "You're leaving New Zealand?!" to "You have the choice between somewhere else in New Zealand and Switzerland?!" We have much loved people on either side of the world, so it was never going to be easy :o( We are so grateful to have had this season in New Zealand, and look forward to all the months we still have here. There are absolutely no regrets and it is a bittersweet decision, as it was when we decided to move here from Switzerland five years ago. We are quietly beginning the process of organising what an international move requires, have started talking about it with our little people, and are really encouraged with how things are coming together in Switzerland. So...we hope to truly make the most of our time here for each of us, and look forward to catching up with family and special friends on the other side, and providing holiday accomodation for any of you who are travelling through in the years to come. Our doors will be open!

:: this girl ::

Over the last couple of evenings I've been going through my photos from the last 8 months, finally able to sort them onto a new computer. I've been handling my camera card with much care over these months, hoping all the photos would stay safe as they accumulated, and it literally fell to pieces when I pulled it out of the computer slot after downloading them all...phew! What I've noticed as I've sorted the blurry shots from the clear keepsakes, is how far our little one has come over these months. Already I have forgotten the details of those first days and weeks and all the little and big steps she made her way over, one by one. The way she did (and still does!) things in her own style so that we heard several times "We've never done this before!" But Elea did, and that's the way she's made her mark, slowly but steadily knocking out the obstacles in her way. Our days have become so much more peaceful and relaxed as she has become more stable and strong.

With her condition we've been curious to see how she would develop, because it's always been a "wait-and-see" situation. On Monday we passed her 8-month birthday (and 6-month corrected age) and, in many ways, she's not at all far behind her fellow babies...though we all know they develop and reach milestones at quite a varied range of ages.

More important than whatever developmental milestones she reaches or not and when, she's a wonderfully peaceful little girl and almost always content. Her eyes sparkle before a smile appears. She's funnily ticklish and often giggles as we change her. She really searches to make contact with anyone around, trying to make eye contact (even right now, she's just woken up beside me and wants to chat!). She has a great time under her playmat mobile, trying constantly to roll over or scoot herself all over the place. She has incredible determination as she tries and tries again to hold her head up high on her tummy. We know it's hard work for a little one with overall weak muscle-tone, but she has that inner strength that got her to where she is today. She loves her tastes of pureed foods and is coping very well despite the fact that she's still completely tube-fed and seems to have missed the mark on wanting to take anything from a bottle. She's learned how to hold her "lolo" (pacifier/dummy) in place, which is a wonderful developmental milestone in my eyes! ;o) She's quite simply our delightful, happy, beautiful little dark-haired girl, and we are so thankful for her. Our movements have been restricted and we often have to pass on going places in an effort to keep her health a priority, but she is growing in strength and it won't be long before these 'sacrifices' (though, I tend to see it more as quite a normal priority) will fade into distant memories, just as those first scary days already have. What a joy to be in these days!

:: inside out ::

I feel the need to catch up on all the weeks that have passed since the last post here! I've tried a few times, writing and deleting. It's been a bit of a whirlwind and the rollercoaster ride has continued to have it's ups and downs, it's twists and turns, but it feels like it's slowly but surely coming back to level ground. The end of our life in Neonatal is definitely on the horizon. In three days, on Wednesday, the plan is for us to leave, spend the next two nights in a special transition home next to the hospital, then be home by the end of the week. It is exciting, yes! But any Neonatal parent will know that the excitement is tinged with apprehension and a little fear of suddenly having full responsibility of a precious little one who still has the potential to have some bumps along their path. I do feel more ready now, though. We will go home with a pile of equipment, from an apnea alarm, to a milk feeding pump and a suction machine, but all of these help to reassure us that we will have what Eléa needs in place, and if all goes really wrong...we've signed up for St John's ambulance.

I find it hard to express my thoughts at the best of times. This has definitely been the most challenging experience in my life and probably also for each person who has been living in our household over the last few months. There have been so many emotions that it is very hard to express accurately what I feel, let alone help anyone else to understand it. Often, during the 40 minute drive to or from the hospital, I take a moment to try to consider all that has been happening and the road becomes blurry. I think almost every emotion occupied my mind through the good moments, when we've felt reassured, relieved and thankful, to the the fearful moments, the unknowns and scary conversations, and the frustration, tiredness and stress. I have to remember that, at the centre of this all, there is a very precious little girl called Eléa Agnès Joy, who has shown us nothing but great courage and peace and has slowly but surely proven that she can do what she needs to do in her own time. She has consistently shown that her path is off the beaten track of "normal" as, several times in different situations, the nurses and doctors have said "we don't normally do this!" But the path she is on is not a barren path of worries. It is a beautiful one that is full of life and it will take her to the destination that Her Father has always intended for her to reach. She has not only captured our hearts but also those of several of her nurses who ask to be in her room, or say to us that they're really happy to be taking care of her. We are very proud and thankful that she has been gifted to us.

In the time since I last wrote, Eléa went off Highflow and never looked back (yay!). She was transferred from NICU through a couple of sets of doors to the SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit), Over the following days the probes that were attached to her chest measuring her heart beat, oxygen levels and breathing rate were removed, then eventually the probe that was around her foot disappeared too, and the "sats" monitor was turned off (that was the hardest one for me to part with!). Now she just has an apnea monitor. She has continued to have problems with secretions (saliva) that, from time to time, gather in her throat, mouth and nose, cause her to spill (a.k.a. vomit) and can block her airways. This is what scares me most about going home and leaving the safe, medical environment, but we can only trust she will be ok, as she has been. We have what we need to help her, there will be a nurse and the specialists she needs coming to our home, and just being in her own home environment will help her to strengthen and thrive. She is fully tube fed through a nasogastric tube, although in the last week has started trying the bottle. It was so exciting to see her drink from it for the first time! Even if it was only a few millilitres, she showed she could do it, as well as swallow and breathe :)

This is but a glimpse of what the past weeks have held. The coming days hold anticipation and excitement, that tinge of apprehension and also a sadness that we will say goodbye to a team of people that have created a warm, welcoming home away from home for us over the past 12 weeks. The Neonatal team have taken such brilliant care of Eléa that we have very grateful hearts for all they have given and will really miss them. But the time has come that she is ready, and we will be ready and there are two big sisters and brother who are more than ready for their little sister (and mummy!) to come home. Our three little people have weathered the past 12 weeks so well and so bravely. It has been really hard on them sharing me between hospital and home. My heart has hurt for them but I am so proud of how they have managed. My mum was a big part in helping settle them with their familiar routines and lots of love. They have loved their visits in to see their little sister but we're all looking forward to being home together and to really start life as a family of six :)

:: honouring my mum ::

I became a mum on Mother's Day. Well, it was actually an hour and a half short, but in New Zealand it was Mother's Day morning...and I like to take advantage of belonging to two countries and time zones to claim as my own ;o) At the end of a very full, unexpected, somewhat-scary day that involved an urgent helicopter trip to the nearest hospital with Neonatal facilities, my mum received a text that said something like "Please pray, the babies are coming." Not the most reassuring text to a mum whose daughter was just short of 26 weeks pregnant with twins and on the other side of the world! But she did what mothers do...she prayed and she quickly sent a text to all her friends on her contact list to ask them to pray too. Consequently, as it was a Sunday morning, several churches around the country stopped and prayed for us as my journey into motherhood began. It is Mother's Day eve here again, four years later. We have just celebrated the fourth birthday of our girls who are full of life and health, despite their 'adventurous' beginnings. But I don't want to talk about my experience of motherhood. I want to honour the woman who has made much more of an impact on my life than any other single person. My mum.

I know we can tend to get sentimental on days like these and gush just a little bit as though our mums are the most amazing people on the planet. I'll try not to do that - though I do think the world of her. My aim is simply to honour mum. Being a mother now, myself, I realise how much self-sacrifice it takes and some days you wonder if there ever is a break from it all, from the endless, day-after-day repetition of routines (as much as we adore our kids!)...then realise that there never is a break from the moment you become a mum! So I think we are a pretty amazing bunch. But we're far from perfect, and being family means we see the best of each other and the worst - the un-made-up, imperfect people we are with insecurities in all our honest, down-to-earth glory, the way we sometimes yell at each other and drive one another nuts, which I guess kinda balances the amazing gifts we possess ;o)

So my mum... We're pretty different in some ways. She's an ENFP, I'm an INFJ, if you know Myers-Briggs Personality speak. I'm the quiet, admittedly more conservative one that doesn't like to make a scene. Mum is the exuberant one who talks easily, laughs loudly with a great sense of humour, and likes to break out of the boundaries. I've often watched her interacting with people and wished I was more like her. We both share a deep desire for justice and a hate of injustice, a desire to stand up for what is right and alongside people suffering injustice, or unjust situations. Our hearts beat to the same rhythm on this note. Although, mum has often been greatly misunderstood because of this and her natural ability to speak up and to ask the good and hard questions on the spot (I often need time to process my thoughts before I can, if I even have the courage to do so!).

Being a minister's kid for my whole life until next month, I have observed from the wings what it is like to see someone who loves deeply and serves others endlessly but doesn't take crap, and often gets treated like it in the process, simply from the expectations of this sort of job involvement. There have been a lot of hurtful experiences, including a recent email listing all her apparent faults. I have been deeply inspired and touched by her example and feel very protective of a woman who has walked an often-lonely life of being known as "The Minister's Wife." I watch her constantly encourage people through her profession as a Life Coach, specialising in Myers Briggs Personality, grief, team dynamics and supervising. I've rejoiced with her when her gifts have been recognised and honoured, and she's been able to share them in places like Guyana and Switzerland and has been appreciated and encouraged by those she's shared with. Several times she has jumped on a plane when friends have unexpectedly lost a family member, without worrying about the financial cost. Because relationships are so much more important to her and she shows that through her actions, not just through nice-sounding words. I've been amazed at her ability to create numerous meals to drop in to people who are going through stress in their own lives and determined in my heart that I will do the same when I hear of a need. I have watched her show respect to those who have deeply hurt her partly because she is wise enough to know that bitterness never leads to true life, but more so because she knows who she was created to be and that, while words and actions create deep wounds, the truth of who she is and her trust in the One she loves is what gives her life and the ability to keep serving and loving. But none of these observations have impacted me as much as my first-hand experience of being supported by my mum who literally laid down her career to fly across the world and spend as long as it was legally possible to come and make meals, clean, do the washing, the shopping and whatever else was needed to help us through those first months with our girls. And more recently, since moving to New Zealand, will drop whatever she is doing to come and help when things are going pear-shaped. When I became a mum four years ago, I suddenly realised more completely the gift my mum has given me in the all-encompassing role of being a mother. I've asked her many questions throughout these last four years and she's guided me often when I've felt stuck. Whereas before we had more of a mum and daughter relationship, now we are more friends sharing a common understanding and experience together.

So, mum. None of this is sentimental gushing. It's true. You love and you keep on loving and giving wherever you see a need and wherever your gifts can be used. I have seen that and I know I'm not the only one. I will miss you and Dad when you move next month but I'm thrilled for the opportunities ahead of you and equally so that you will be living close to great, long-term friends. You have invested in them and stood with them through good times and bad and they are waiting excitedly to have you nearby. I love knowing this! Enjoy :o) Know you're a wonderful mum and friend who has done more than simply mother - you've inspired me to live and love well and to stand up for what is good, and true, and right.

Thank you

If you ever have the privilege of meeting my mum, get to know her, because in doing so you will discover a deep treasure of what a true friend is like. 

:: a thousand angels are singing out ::

Do you hear the sound?

A thousand angels are singing out.

 To God Almighty we're bowing down

And that's what Christmas is all about!

Oh to hear a thousand angels praising God on that night so many years ago when He became man and was born on earth in a completely humble position, to grow and teach us how to truly live. Amidst all the excitement and rush and crossing off of to-do-lists, we wish you a wonderful Christmas season. Whether you're celebrating with a lot of people, just one or on your own, we pray your heart will be warmed with encouragement as you participate in this day of Life, Love and generous Giving. 

We leave you with this fun Christmas song (brought to you by some current favourites for our girls) and some recent photos. 

(we have a Papa who is awesome at making swings!)

Opening some presents on Christmas Eve - new books from Grand-Papa et Grand-Maman!!

Be safe in your travels, enjoy the true Spirit of the season, and be blessed as 2013 comes to a close ;o) 

:: he's here with us! :: théo's story ::

These past 10 days have been the most beautiful of my life (alongside those when our girls came,  equal in joy and awe, but minus the anxiety of that time!). Our little man is here, on the outside, and I'm still in awe of the reality, even though it feels like a dream :o)

The timing of everything was amazing. God is so good like that! I should never need to worry, as I do too often. Because His timing has always been spot on. I was quite anxious about when everything would kick off with the birth, having my parents-in-law staying right with us. I'm a quite a modest person at the best of times (!), and the thought of going into labour (and the pressure to do so before they returned home) was sometimes overwhelming. But, as both of my midwives reminded me...God knows and His timing would be best. And, in hindsight, the timing was very good. His French grandparents had a week of enjoying cuddles and peeks at their beautiful little grandson.

I had a lovely midwife, Deb, throughout the pregnancy. I had originally hoped to have another in their team of three, with whom my sister, Beth, had done a large practical part of her midwifery training. But with the timing of my due date and Irene's holidays booked just beforehand, I went with Deb. Who was also wonderful! However, Deb got engaged and her wedding date was booked for 5 days after my due date, and her leave would begin a few days before that date. So it was going to depend on whether the little man decided to come early or late! I reached Deb's last day of work and had my first appointment with Irene...not knowing at the time that in a little over 24 hours later it would be all go!

Last Saturday, the 3rd, I woke early in the morning with terrible stomach cramps. It reminded me very much of a bout with food poisoning that I had while living in Lausanne when the girls were in Neonatal. I had an anxious few moments wondering if food poisoning would affect the baby, so there was a flurry of early morning texts to family and a call to Irene. As long as I could feel baby moving, and I wasn't getting worse, there was little I could do but wait. So much of the day was spent in bed, forcing myself to nibble on crackers, and sip from a variety of drinks that were accumulating around the bed! I eventually asked Eti to go and get some Coke. I don't normally go anywhere near Coke, but I remembered that last time it seemed to have helped...and at that point I was ready to try anything and seriously considering asking for a caesarian if labour started because I had absolutely no energy!
Thankfully, probably with a combination of prayer and Coke (!) the cramps disappeared and I could rest up to try and get some more energy. My sister had said that some labours start this way, so I was semi-preparing myself in my weakened state of mind! But also was secretly 'sure' that it didn't feel anything like the beginning of labour.

In the early evening I realised time had passed quickly and I hadn't noticed any obvious movements from the baby, which I needed to at least every two hours. As the evening progressed I still wasn't convinced I was feeling much, compared to the usual activity that I'd feel each evening. I had been lying down all day with no energy, so I thought that it was probably also due to that. I wasn't too worried because every so often I felt a possible flicker of movement, but I wasn't convinced or reassured at the same time! So after a few phone calls and an hour of drinking more Coke, playing loud music and trying to encourage movements, we decided to play it safe and go over to Middlemore Hospital to be monitored. I felt more guilty at having woken Irene at 5.30 that morning, then calling her into the hospital at 10.30pm at night! But I had to kick myself into reality that this is her job, and the baby's safety was much more important!

The monitor instantly picked up a strong heartbeat. It also noted the light, painless contractions that I'd felt pick up sometime during the evening. Because the baby's heartbeat descended sometimes with the contractions the doctor wanted to keep me in overnight to just check how things would go. Also, because I had had a previous caesarian and was planning on going for a VBAC (i.e. birthing naturally). Irene went home "to get some sleep" but said that it could still be a few more days. Eti also went home shortly afterwards because the chairs in the small room were not quite accommodating enough to ensure a comfortable sleep for him! I was left feeling fine and prepared for a night of waiting, so I tried to get as much sleep as I could.

About two hours later, as I slept, I felt the strangest sensation - as though someone punched me with an audible "pop!" and all of a sudden I found my bed drenched! I gasped with the sudden shock! The lovely midwife who responded to my bell exclaimed "Oh good!!!" when I showed her that my waters had just broken! After a quick shower and change into a hospital gown (I had nothing else with me!) I started feeling stronger, regular contractions. It was semi-dawning on me that this is it! I called Eti back in, and Irene arrived an hour or two afterwards, saying that she wasn't surprised :o) The contractions were reasonably strong and a little painful but not overwhelming and completely manageable, although my intentions to relax my body weren't entirely successful!

Eventually we were transferred to the birthing room. Everything seemed to be progressing quite quickly. I had heard that time often feels like it passes quickly when in labour. It looked like a long time ahead, but in hindsight it really was flying by. And there were several expectations I had held that I didn't really experience, which was reassuring! While there was a moment of deciding three children would be enough, it was never really overwhelming...on the contrary, the moments I had expected to be the hardest almost passed by without my noticing. I had intended to be upright and moving around as much as possible, but because of my dehydration and lack of energy I found it so much easier to lie on my side...and thankfully, it didn't seem to hinder the progression at all. An IV line was put in to hydrate me and soon I felt like I had enough energy to keep going, at least for a little longer :o) Eti did a wonderful job, and Irene was amazing with her direction and her ability to involve Eti. I was offered gas, which I tried half-heartedly, but more with the intention to have something to hold onto rather than to take away the feelings. They kept saying "You need to suck more often to get the effects!" and I would reply "I don't care...it's just to give me something to do!" The transition phase passed like that, and soon came that irrepressible urge to push. Because he was turned slightly the wrong way it took quite a while to get him out. Nearer the end he was starting to stress a little, and I was beginning to feel pain from my caesarian scar, so I was given an epsiotomy to make it easier. And we did it! At 10.35am on Sunday morning Théo Victor came out with a beautiful cry, and we cuddled for the next hour or more. A beautiful, healthy, 3.47kg, 52cm long little boy joined our family. It was so surreal that I'm not sure I realised much of the reality of all that had just happened until the following day...and am probably still waking up to reality. What a beautiful reality it is!

I spent three nights in a maternity home, which was really helpful in the transition to going home. I was asked a few times if Théo was our first child. I replied saying "No, we have twins, but they came so early that yes, he is like our first!" I have much to learn about how to start from the very beginning :o) The staff were lovely, and patient with all the calls and questions! They were committed to helping us get the feeding thing going well, which is great. It was a surreal little world to be apart of for those four days. Everyone had a new baby and exchanged stories over dinner in the dining room, shuffling around and learning how to take care of our precious little people. Our girls visited every day, running in with flowers and drawings for "baby Théo" The months of talking about his coming had prepared them well and they love to shower him with kisses, cuddles and get anything he might need, like a hat or blanket if it's cool! They spent almost a week staying with my parents, who did a wonderful job taking care of them, and returned back to us a couple of days after we had come home.

And, so we are five. Life with three children is a real gift, but will take some adjusting to. I've had a few moments in tears knowing I'm failing to meet all three needs at once, and still recovering from the birth. But, as mum reminded me this morning, it's not about being a perfect mum and getting it all right at once. It may take 6 weeks, but we'll get there and we'll be just fine. She's right, and it's a good opportunity to let go of some of these perfectionist tendencies and just enjoy the moments with our three, as they show me so well how to do so. Beds are unmade, toys are scattered everywhere, piles of clothes sit on couches and chairs to go away, washing to be done...but we're doing just fine :o) And that's all that really matters. My parents are an absolute gift in doing many of these jobs for us and helping out at the busiest times of the day. We're in very good hands :o)