:: overcoming fear ::

A culmination of events this week have brought up many emotions and a tumble of thoughts within my already crowded thought space. They provide no succinct or general answers, simply my thoughts on paper, so-to-speak, and perhaps more for my own sake than for anyone elses! Please excuse the fact that it is a jumble of my thoughts so is very likely to be lacking in several areas...

A family friend, maybe the most graceful one I know, lost her full-term baby girl to stillbirth this past weekend. While we live at opposite ends of the country to each other and haven't even seen each other for a number of years, my thoughts have been consumed with sadness for her, her husband, their small daughter and surrounding family. Trying to imagine what it might be like to discover that your much-anticipated, already loved little baby has gone before you even go through the birthing process conjures up no words other than heart-breaking. I can only just barely begin to understand what it must be like to grieve such a sudden and tragic loss of a little life that held so much hope and dreams, being only weeks behind her with our own little baby and knowing the sense of anticipation that grows as each week passes. 

A dear friend asked me if it scared me, being pregnant and approaching full term myself. I don't like to be self-focused in such times, but truthfully, I confess, fear did stab at my heart in the moments after I learned of my friend's loss. Minutes earlier I had been going through my email inbox filing away all the emails we sent out in the early days of our girls' lives as they fought for life in Neonatal (something I've done sporadically over the last couple of years and plan to finally get on top of). In those days I wrote to a long list of friends, family and strangers almost every day for months, letting them know what we were celebrating and/or fearing during that time. The knowledge we were not alone, but backed in prayer and with all forms of support, helped to ease the palpable fear of losing one or both of our precious girls.

At the same time I've been reading Shauna Niequist's new book Bread & Wine in which she describes the years of fear she experienced as she went through miscarriage after miscarriage after the birth of their first son, then the fear that continued tormenting her, almost erasing any hope and excitement, during a subsequent successful pregnancy of their second son, not without it's own complications. It brought some of my own memories back to life of the multiple times of terrible fear as we raced to the doctor or hospital as I was losing too much blood to be normal during my pregnancy with the girls. And the doctors who tried to reassure me with "You can only have hope" though I knew the outcome I feared the most was dancing dangerously in front of us. The memories of the early morning hours of the day the girls came, when the doctor tried to find heartbeats for several minutes, exchanging glances that spoke more loudly than words to his colleagues, who called specialists and a helicopter. During those days I told God several times that He couldn't let our girls not live, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that bad things do happen to good people. My trust in Him almost crumbled knowing that. We obviously can't know, at least in this life, how many times we have been divinely protected against bad things happening to us, but sometimes, beyond our understanding, that which we fear the most simply arrives on our doorstep, uninvited. There is a place to question God in such times and I don't think He's shocked with our honest cries for understanding and questioning of where He is in the midst of it all. I ponder oftentimes how much more there is to life and the unseen world that we simply cannot comprehend in our finite human minds. I don't think this means that tragedies can be explained simply, not at all, but is the very worst thing we fear really the very worst thing to fear? Is a part of overcoming fear of the unknown and all terrible possibilities that cripple and numb us to step forward, simply saying to God "I will trust You through anything? I won't always understand why, but I trust You are good"?

Another friend sent an email out earlier this week titled 'The "C" Word". To let us know that she has recently been diagnosed with that word that strikes fear in many of us - cancer. She is currently waiting for surgery and then will go through treatment afterwards. Her prognosis is good and, though a very real element of fear exists about the unknown possibilities, she is choosing to remain hopeful and trusting. At the end of her email she included a quote from a book she has been reading, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, that resonated so deeply within me that I felt it was God whispering some of His response to the questions I had been wrestling with above.

If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you. Joseph was a prime example of this divine reversal, declaring to his brothers: "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter.

Genesis 50:20 (NASB), Psalm 23:4

She also wrote within her email of her belief and source of strength during this time: "I know God's intentions are loving, no matter where the journey takes us. There is a deceptive power in the word "cancer." But His love overcomes all fear."

I think that there is also deceptive power in the word "death," which is, honestly, the word around which my ultimate fears hang from. As a Christ follower, I know there is a reassurance that I can't even begin to comprehend of what God has prepared for us in the life we will pass into after death. I know it in my head but forget so often to believe it in my heart. That it's good...and infinitely more good than I can ever understand. As I have held my friends in my thoughts and prayers this week, which has also brought to mind the fears of losing a baby to stillbirth, or later cot-death or any number of unexpected causes, or of cancer separating me from loved ones, I have to ask myself "Is death really the very worst thing to fear?" It separates us for a time and beautiful hopes and dreams are lost, but I think there will come a time when they will be redeemed in more beautiful ways alongside the comforting reassurance that we'll see each other again. There are so many things we cannot control and so much that can happen to us. I have been impressed upon to lay aside the fears that steal so much joy and hope from life, and try to rest in trusting God, knowing His intentions really are for good, believing that His love really does send all fear away. And that whatever comes He will never leave us alone, but will always walk alongside us...as He is right now with my friends in their time of need.

Songs always seem to speak to me in these times, and this one helps boost my faith as I pray for my friends who are going through unimaginable loss and grieving, and standing against all fear...praying that amidst these very real and very valid emotions they will be surrounded by Peace, Hope and Love beyond understanding...

"Sovereign"

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you