:: 37 weeks ::

Today our little guy is 37 weeks old and now only days away from being classed as 'term'! It still feels very surreal that any time within the next weeks we will meet our own and very real little person! Eti's parents arrived on Saturday and will be with us for the next month. Maybe baby will come early, on time or up to 4 days late to catch them before they leave, maybe not! We know how babies can be...I've always said to the girls that the baby will come when Grand-papa and Grand-maman are here, so last night Amélie came over and asked me "Baby come out now??" May it be sooner rather than later!

In the meantime, the girls are very much enjoying time with their Grand-papa and Grand-maman. I'm enjoying not having to do all that needs to be done around the house. Though I do need to learn to be better at sitting down and not still doing bits and pieces that I see need doing! We're also being very spoilt by my parents and sisters who have been cooking, sewing and lending many tasty, beautiful and necessary things for us to consume and enjoy :o)

We're now ready with all we need for our baby. I have an almost-daily routine of re-organising the change table and bassinet as items are often borrowed for teddies and baby dolls, and frequently one or more can be found tucked up in blankets in the bassinet! After days of frustrated organising, being all too perfectionist about having things in order and tidy, I thought to myself what's the harm?? The girls love to play mummy and while life is just a little more peaceful, they can make the most of the empty spaces!

So, while we wait we are enjoying our time together before our lives change :o)

:: before we are five ::

I made a comment to Eti this afternoon that we really only have today and next weekend together as just the four of us (apart from early mornings and minutes during the week-day evenings) before Eti's parents arrive for a month and then (hopefully!) our baby boy arrives before they return back to Switzerland! Their return date is six days after our due date, so we're hoping that "early" is the preference, rather than "late" for the little man.

Being a beautiful, clear winter's day we decided to head out with the girls once they had woken from their nap, and take them down to the beach and playground - two of their favourite places to be. A combination of changeable weather lately, and a mummy who is maybe a little lazy, has meant we haven't made it to these places as often as they are requested (most days!). Papa is wonderful at jumping at any opportunity to go outdoors and turning it all into a fun adventure, so we happily tagged along...

:: goodbye lolo ::

Our girls are giving me a run for my money in the caring-mummy stakes these days. Their favourite occupation is to care for their babies, putting them to bed in any of the beds in our house, including all the options that are sitting out for our little baby to come. They shut all the curtains, turn off lights and speak in hushed tones, whispering "Baby sleeping!" We dare not open any curtains or turn on lights! The babies are read to, cuddled, fed, dressed, pushed around in their pushchairs and wrapped up in many blankets. I have no doubts that their little brother will be very well looked after, having three mummies to tend to his needs! Our little girls are growing up...

...which leads me to the big milestone that we have just passed this weekend. Late Saturday afternoon, rugged up in pyjamas, woollen jerseys and gumboots the girls each held one of our hands and in the other clutched envelopes containing their beloved lolos (a.k.a. lolettes/dummies/pacifiers) which were simply addressed as 'Our lolos for the babies' (someone at the Post Office is going to take a second look at those!). They bravely pushed the envelopes into the (real) post box outside the dairy and didn't really give it a second thought. That moment was probably hardest for me because I knew the tears that would come a short time later at bedtime when it was realised that the lolos had gone! I've never been hugely opposed to lolettes/dummies/pacifiers, though I had never intended to use them. Until a Neonatal nurse asked us if we minded if they gave the girls lolettes when they were in their incubators, to settle them. Seeing as we couldn't be with them 24/7 to comfort them when they needed or as we would normally at home, I didn't think twice about saying yes.

We've been prepping the girls for months and they knew where their lolos would be going and insisted they wouldn't be sad, even though I reassured them that they might feel sad and that's understandable! After a year of moving home four times, packing up and selling our possessions and leaving behind a lot of their most familiar and favourite people to come and live in New Zealand, the timing was pushed further back than we intended, for the sake of allowing them to hold onto something that comforted them through a lot of change. Now that they are three and "big girls" we decided it was the best time to go for it, before a little brother instigates another big change in their lives. Thus the trip to the postbox with the promise that the babies would leave a very special thank-you gift especially for big girls in the postbox the next morning, as well as a special lunch followed by an icecream with marshmallows, bonbons, and jellybeans (as requested!).

The change has been easier than I expected, being now Day Three. And the one I expected to find it hardest has barely mentioned her lolo, while the other has been very sad at every bedtime and even skipped two afternoon sleeps (I hope this will not become a trend!). She even said to me this afternoon before her nap "I a bit sad lolo gone away" then burst into tears! We've had a few reassurance chats about the fact that it is sad to let go of something so special, but that they are very brave to have done it. And overall they have been very very brave and we are very proud of them in what is quite a big adjustment. After generously offering to send other items to the babies, we have had to reassure the girls that only the lolos have gone, not their billies (soft bunnies), which are their most beloved possessions. Babies have their own billies, of that we're pretty sure (and thankful!) ;o)

:: overcoming fear ::

A culmination of events this week have brought up many emotions and a tumble of thoughts within my already crowded thought space. They provide no succinct or general answers, simply my thoughts on paper, so-to-speak, and perhaps more for my own sake than for anyone elses! Please excuse the fact that it is a jumble of my thoughts so is very likely to be lacking in several areas...

A family friend, maybe the most graceful one I know, lost her full-term baby girl to stillbirth this past weekend. While we live at opposite ends of the country to each other and haven't even seen each other for a number of years, my thoughts have been consumed with sadness for her, her husband, their small daughter and surrounding family. Trying to imagine what it might be like to discover that your much-anticipated, already loved little baby has gone before you even go through the birthing process conjures up no words other than heart-breaking. I can only just barely begin to understand what it must be like to grieve such a sudden and tragic loss of a little life that held so much hope and dreams, being only weeks behind her with our own little baby and knowing the sense of anticipation that grows as each week passes. 

A dear friend asked me if it scared me, being pregnant and approaching full term myself. I don't like to be self-focused in such times, but truthfully, I confess, fear did stab at my heart in the moments after I learned of my friend's loss. Minutes earlier I had been going through my email inbox filing away all the emails we sent out in the early days of our girls' lives as they fought for life in Neonatal (something I've done sporadically over the last couple of years and plan to finally get on top of). In those days I wrote to a long list of friends, family and strangers almost every day for months, letting them know what we were celebrating and/or fearing during that time. The knowledge we were not alone, but backed in prayer and with all forms of support, helped to ease the palpable fear of losing one or both of our precious girls.

At the same time I've been reading Shauna Niequist's new book Bread & Wine in which she describes the years of fear she experienced as she went through miscarriage after miscarriage after the birth of their first son, then the fear that continued tormenting her, almost erasing any hope and excitement, during a subsequent successful pregnancy of their second son, not without it's own complications. It brought some of my own memories back to life of the multiple times of terrible fear as we raced to the doctor or hospital as I was losing too much blood to be normal during my pregnancy with the girls. And the doctors who tried to reassure me with "You can only have hope" though I knew the outcome I feared the most was dancing dangerously in front of us. The memories of the early morning hours of the day the girls came, when the doctor tried to find heartbeats for several minutes, exchanging glances that spoke more loudly than words to his colleagues, who called specialists and a helicopter. During those days I told God several times that He couldn't let our girls not live, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that bad things do happen to good people. My trust in Him almost crumbled knowing that. We obviously can't know, at least in this life, how many times we have been divinely protected against bad things happening to us, but sometimes, beyond our understanding, that which we fear the most simply arrives on our doorstep, uninvited. There is a place to question God in such times and I don't think He's shocked with our honest cries for understanding and questioning of where He is in the midst of it all. I ponder oftentimes how much more there is to life and the unseen world that we simply cannot comprehend in our finite human minds. I don't think this means that tragedies can be explained simply, not at all, but is the very worst thing we fear really the very worst thing to fear? Is a part of overcoming fear of the unknown and all terrible possibilities that cripple and numb us to step forward, simply saying to God "I will trust You through anything? I won't always understand why, but I trust You are good"?

Another friend sent an email out earlier this week titled 'The "C" Word". To let us know that she has recently been diagnosed with that word that strikes fear in many of us - cancer. She is currently waiting for surgery and then will go through treatment afterwards. Her prognosis is good and, though a very real element of fear exists about the unknown possibilities, she is choosing to remain hopeful and trusting. At the end of her email she included a quote from a book she has been reading, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, that resonated so deeply within me that I felt it was God whispering some of His response to the questions I had been wrestling with above.

If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you. Joseph was a prime example of this divine reversal, declaring to his brothers: "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter.

Genesis 50:20 (NASB), Psalm 23:4

She also wrote within her email of her belief and source of strength during this time: "I know God's intentions are loving, no matter where the journey takes us. There is a deceptive power in the word "cancer." But His love overcomes all fear."

I think that there is also deceptive power in the word "death," which is, honestly, the word around which my ultimate fears hang from. As a Christ follower, I know there is a reassurance that I can't even begin to comprehend of what God has prepared for us in the life we will pass into after death. I know it in my head but forget so often to believe it in my heart. That it's good...and infinitely more good than I can ever understand. As I have held my friends in my thoughts and prayers this week, which has also brought to mind the fears of losing a baby to stillbirth, or later cot-death or any number of unexpected causes, or of cancer separating me from loved ones, I have to ask myself "Is death really the very worst thing to fear?" It separates us for a time and beautiful hopes and dreams are lost, but I think there will come a time when they will be redeemed in more beautiful ways alongside the comforting reassurance that we'll see each other again. There are so many things we cannot control and so much that can happen to us. I have been impressed upon to lay aside the fears that steal so much joy and hope from life, and try to rest in trusting God, knowing His intentions really are for good, believing that His love really does send all fear away. And that whatever comes He will never leave us alone, but will always walk alongside us...as He is right now with my friends in their time of need.

Songs always seem to speak to me in these times, and this one helps boost my faith as I pray for my friends who are going through unimaginable loss and grieving, and standing against all fear...praying that amidst these very real and very valid emotions they will be surrounded by Peace, Hope and Love beyond understanding...

"Sovereign"

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

:: sunday thoughts ::

I'm sitting here in one of our armchairs with the feet up in a quiet (but messy!) home as one little girl sleeps soundly and the other is off with Papa for an adventure. He made them a swing last week and tied it onto a tree down at the beach, so that's probably where they are right now. When he was there this morning for an adventure with the other little girl (they're, unusually, having completely alternate naps today) he was quietly thrilled to see other kids also playing with the swing. 

So I'm sitting here enjoying the beautiful, still day, eating a piece or two of some Toblerone that friends visiting from Switzerland gave us this week, and alternating between crocheting and reading, all the while with a head full of thoughts and a neck that is sore from sleeping the wrong way, but slowly coming right.

Our little guy is 30 weeks old tomorrow!! It was one milestone to pass 26 weeks, and it's another to reach the 30's! So far everything continues to go so well that I still often don't "feel" pregnant, unless I need to pick something off the floor, or try to sleep on my back :o) I'm so thankful that this time there are none of the terrifying moments of last time. I'm also realising how quickly time is going now, and that soon enough we'll be back to new baby stage in a whole different way. In thinking ahead I've realised that (I think) I subconsciously thought that having children was like getting married. In that you do it once and that's it. It's funny to realise that we'll have a brand new baby soon, and go through all those firsts again. It's very exciting! (though the getting-the-baby-out part first leaves me with some apprehension!). In the meantime there are upcoming events we're looking forward to, a weekend away to plan, and little projects to work on. As well as trying to organise our home and life and make some wise-over-idealistic choices so that I'm not behind the 8 ball and turning into a stressed-out puddle of tears, which has happened a few times lately. I'm really thankful for family, from Eti to my parents and brothers and sisters, who have all lent a hand in ways that have really been a gift. Not to mention these two, who remind me to find joy in the simple things and relax and enjoy the moment...

I loved watching this little scene unfold the other day. One persistent climber who, after being warned and told to get down time and again, continues to go up to the heights. She made this "tower" and then followed her sister's instructions to knock the tower over and make her cry...

...all the while with her trademark grin on her face at the anticipation of something to laugh about...

This is the face of the fake cryer, who was saying "Oh no, the tower is broken!" They have a fascination for faking at the moment, often doing something mischievous and then turning to one of us and asking that we cry. It was a humourous moment to observe because she was clearly copying me! :o) And there were plenty of giggles from all three of us!

Moments later two fairies appeared, twirling and dancing to their musical ball.

Two fun-loving big sisters-in-waiting who love their little brother already :o) Not too much longer until they'll be able to give him bisous, cuddles, stroke his hair and read him stories.

:: something for our little guy ::

I've been a long-time admirer of those who can crochet and knit beautiful things. Several years ago when I came across the world of blogging, one of the very first blogs I started to read was Lucy's from Attic24. Her bright, vivacious, enthusiastic approach to life matches her beautiful creations, and she inspired me back then to embrace and add much more colour to our home. While I'm still a very long way off being able to create anything like she does, I'm still inspired to one day get to that point :o) 

In the meantime, this morning I finished my very first crochet project! A knitted blanket with a crochet border for our little guy who will be with us in just over 10 weeks, give or take a couple! It's very simple as you can see, and not at all perfect, but it matches my little skill level :o)

Me being the one who had to buy "Knitting for Dummies" while pregnant with the girls, and couldn't understand the instructions. Somehow I managed to learn from my mum via Skype, though it was back-to-front to me. But being a left-hander, maybe it was what I needed to get the hang of it all :o)

So, there we go. I'm now kinda hooked, so-to-speak, and already have plans for some real crocheting in the form of a granny square blanket and something for the girls to keep their babies warm while ours will be warm and snuggly in this one.

Very excited to finally have something creative to share and to join up with Leonie

:: je suis très fière de toi ::

I'm so proud of you. 

Often, during the day, I think of you and am filled with a sense of love and respect for you, knowing you're out there every day working for us, making it possible for me to be at home as our children grow. I'm even more grateful to you because I know you're not working in an easy environment...

Eti managed to almost walk straight into a job here in New Zealand. It was a position we heard of through someone we knew and we pursued it, and a couple of months later he was starting his first job in an english speaking world. It turns out that, in spite of glowing reports of what the job would involve in terms of training and possible future opportunities, he walked into a very messily run organisation. Some issues make us groan thinking "Surely this is not rocket science to anyone?!" with solutions being so easy to spot. Lately I've had to reassure Eti that this is not how all organisations in New Zealand are run!

Eti, what fills me with pride is the way you approach your work each day. You often tell me that you laugh off the terrible organisation of some of the jobs you are given, instead of letting it stress you. I know it's tough to be interacting with people in a second language and to not understand much of the humour that is bantered around among your colleagues. I cringe at the thought that most days you have to go to the head office and wait to be told where to go for the day because it's not properly organised beforehand, and for you to know that others notice you sitting waiting often for over an hour at a time and think you're not working enough. I know you do your very best and you're a hard worker. I'm impressed at how you seem rather nonplussed about it all, brushing off others' misconceptions by saying "What else can I do? If I'm not being given jobs ahead of time and not being trained to do them on my own or sent with someone else?!" Very true. I have suggested that maybe you might like to look elsewhere but you reassure me that when all is going well (which is rare, you confess!) you really enjoy it and so you carry on. In the meantime I bite my tongue and restrain my fingers from making contact with the company to let them know what I think (I guess that might be appropriate at some point in the future with our children, but not so much coming from a wife to her husband's employers!).

So I observe you with a heart full of pride and gratitude for who you are. I admire your ability to deal with it all in your stride, your perseverence to be committed to the company, to observe and learn as you go without the promised training, your humility to ask, even several times, for someone to repeat themselves if you can't understand, that you can be assertive when people treat you without respect, and your ability to laugh when I would most likely cry and want to run home to everything familiar on the other side of the world! I know that, together, we are grateful for this job at how it seemed to be handed to you on a platter, so-to-speak. There are also other things we really appreciate from it, and we do trust there's a reason. 

In the meantime, while you're at work, I often tell our girls that you're a wonderful papa. You're a good and a hard worker, and I'm thankful they have you as an example of someone who is not only fun-loving and adventurous but also committed, loyal, and perseverant. What a gift for them to grow up with, and an example to me as well :o)